There's just one week left before I have to get on another airplane. You'd think that I wouldn't be focusing on the flight... I mean when I go somewhere that requires a 5 hour drive I don't think about the drive..... except maybe spending half my vacation money on books, but when I have to fly it's almost like I'm missing a quarter of my vacation. I miss the excitement before the vacation because I can't see past the flight there and I miss fun on the vacation because I'm thinking about the flight home. It pretty much sucks. Its also really puzzling because of all the sources of my anxiety its the one I can predict everytime. My other panic attacks or anxiety attacks I never know if I'm going to get one or not but going on a plane I ALWAYS know I will be scared out of my mind, so you would think with so much time to prepare I would be able to calm down. It just really sucks that no matter what I've done I've never been able to shake the fear of flying.
So I'm leaving for a vacation in 1 week that has the possibility to be one of the most amazing one I've ever been on but I can't even start to think about the trip because my mind always goes back to one thing, the flight. Although its been that way with a lot of things lately.... well since October, I can't really think ahead about things because the one thing I always come back to is the anxiety and whether or not it will be there. I mean thinking back I've come really far since October in that I don't get the anxiety as much or as severe but its still on my mind just as much as it was when it started. I think thats what makes it hard for other people to understand. I mean people keep saying "Just stop it" which in my mind is crazy because what do people think, that the thought has never occured to me that "oh this has been really fun and all but I think I'll just stop now". If it were only that easy! I mean its not always said in the same way sometimes people say "just don't think about it" or "you'll be fine" or "just deal with it" but however it is said its still frustrating. Its not like its somthing I do to myself on purpose. I don't wake up and think how can I make today suck so how can I just wake up and make it stop?
When I think about this it also occures to me that if these people feel comfortable enough with me to try and tell me how to deal with my anxiety then I think they should atleast do a little research. I mean read a book about anxiety or look up some stuff online it would take 5 minutes to find out stuff on serious panic dissorders. So if you're going to give me advice atleast give me intelligent advice. I used to think, wow if I just had a support system I could get through this, but then people started trying to help me and as much as I appreciated someone finally recognizing there was a problem and wanting to talk to me about it, some of the advice was just unhelpful and at that same time hurtful, insulting my intelligence. I mean for example I know everytime my mom hears about one of our relatives being sick, especially my nieces or nephews she's immediatly online searching for any and all information so she can make educated observations, I'd like to think I do the same thing. Whenever I heard something new about my niece, even if it was somthing I already knew a fair amount of information about I would go online and look up more information. I don't understand why more people don't do this, specifically the few people who have tried to help with my anxiety. But like I said I hesitate to complain even a little because there are really SOOO few people who want to talk about it let alone help.
So like I said, one week to go until the flight, one week of not being able to sleep and feeling anxious one week of driving people insane with my constant "I have to go on a plane" "I don't like planes" "I'm nervous" and one more week of trying to act as good as possible to make sure I don't offend God in anyway because I'm worried he'll take it out on me when I'm on the plane. Maybe its time to take flying lessons, or get hynotized or something because I've been afraid of planes for almost 10 years and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.
Sooo another downer post, so here's somthing positive to end it on:
"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
- Walter Bagehot
No comments:
Post a Comment