I really think I might need glasses, everytime I read lately I feel like I am squinting, and I get lots of headaches around my eyes that are always better in the morning and worse at night. If I let my eyes rest out of focus the headache goes away too, but thats hard because my eyes always want to stay focused and everytime I blink they try to focus again.
Anyway theres not much I can do about it now, I'm in North Carolina and even if I wasn't I don't think my insurance will cover an eye doctor. I am writing on Friday this week instead on Sunday because I don't think I'll have internet on Sunday and I know I won't from Sunday night until the 22nd. I'll be on a boat and island hopping. I hope it will be fun but a lot of people seem to be offended that I am taking this cruise when I am not working. Except that I'm not paying for the cruise, it's a gift from my aunt and there will be 21 of us going. It's also not like I stopped working because I'm lazy, I couldn't work. Regardless tho I've gotten comments lately that are pretty much equal to dirty looks when they talk to me about my cruise. Some hide it better than others. I personally will be so proud of myself if I do well on this cruise. It will be a huge step for me getting better. The only problem is that I still have to set my alarm 1 time a night to take my pill, and on the trip I am sharing a room with my mom and I know it will drive her crazy when my alarm wakes us both up, but I really don't have a choice.... I can't wait to get the pills farther apart so I can take them at a same time everyday and not worry about taking them in the middle of the night, right now I am about a 1/2 hour away from doing that. But I'm sure that even though I will have no choice but to wake up and take the pill my mom will still get mad at me, and I guess I can't really blame her because I wouldn't like waking up in the middle of the night when I don't have to either.... but I really can't help it. I try to cover it up as much as I can. Last night I slept in the other room until I had to take it and then moved back to the room I shared with my mom, unfortunately tho the next pill I had to take in the morning woke her up and I still got in trouble. I don't know what I do tonight or on the cruise..... :( oh dear.
So tomorrow I am leaving on a 10 hour car ride. Which will probably end up being even longer because my uncle is driving and they plan on stopping a lot, we're going Raleigh to Port Canaveral and leaving at 8am.... he says we'll probably get there by atleast 10:30...... if your keeping track thats 14 1/2 hours for what I mapquested to take 9. Its going to be a long day. There is a DVD player in the van we rented though.... but we didn't know this until we got the van today so we had to go through my aunt and uncles dvd's all I found was madagascar.... my mom found the 9th season and the final episode of everybody loves Raymond.... I don't really like that show but I've got 8 books to read if I need to. But if my eyes keep acting like they do then I might get pretty uncomfortable. I used to love long drives... we used to drive from Cleveland to North Carolina every year.... and I drove cross country with my mom.... but like many things lately I just dont feel the same about drives that I used to. I actually would almost rather fly down than drive but thats ok.... if I was flying I would probably say that I would rather drive. I just really hope we don't have to listen to the news the whole way.
Along with headaches from my eyes I've always been getting these great shooting pains in my head behind my ears, It started 3 nights ago with sharp pains above my right ears that would last seconds but pretty much knock me over they hurt so bad.... today I have gotten a couple about my left ear. I'm wondering if it has somthing to do with my jaw muscle because I don't really understand why it would be on both sides and I would say that its all in my head.... because I'm sure thats what others will say but I know its not...so who knows.
I've decided this blog is good for me because it gives me a chance to complain about things that no one would ever listen to normally, and its always good to have a place to vent. I mean you have to get it out somewhere. I'm thinking maybe of starting a private blog or an anonnymous one and just complaining even more because I would like to talk about other things on here other than whats bothering me. But normally when I sit down to write thats the first thing on my mind.... well not really the first thing on my mind but the first thing I want to get out. Anyway.
I should probably go rest in the other bedroom so if I fall asleep before I have to take my medicine and my alarm goes off I dont wake up my mom because starting tomorrow at the hotel I'll have no choice unless I stay up all night. It could be the one thing that messes up the week.
So anyway. my headache is not getting any better sitting here staring at a stark white screen with a glare. lets find a fun quote about traveling today... or maybe about boats...
“No one needs a vacation more than the person who just had one.” Unknown
haha this will be me... I will need to go home and rest after my vacation, especially after ending my vacation with a flight and then having to fly again less than 2 weeks later....
Friday, June 13, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
What a Day
Wow so I have been all over the place today... not literally. I woke up in a panic... not a big one but I was hot my heart was pounding I did not feel well, I managed to calm myself a little throughout the day then as I was sitting in my doctors waiting room it hit me again... my chest started to hurt I was all tight everywhere, and then she came out, told me I was an hour early and I left and went back an hour later feeling fine. Then I had to drop my poor dogs off at the kennel and man do they know how to break my heart! Louie was clinging to me as usual and Ringo who usually doesn't do too bad kept trying to jump out of the girls arms who was carrying him away! So then to make it worse she decides to put him down so he can walk and he walks over to me, sits down, and refuses to move. Just was not going anywhere away from me :( Finally a second girl picked him up and carried him back but it was too late I was already feeling awful about leaving him there. You know and sometimes they do fine and walk right back and don't mind at all and sometimes they sit their little butts down and park it. I think they can tell when I am more nervouse and then they don't want to leave me, and as I said I was a nervous wreck today. I don't even want to think about tomorrow.... on the airplane.... soooo nervous.
Last time I was on a plane I did not move, and I'm not talking just sat in my seat the whole time I'm talking crossed my legs one hand on the arm rest the other on my lap looked out the window and stayed in that exact position except to move my head a few times to answer the flight attendant or my mom. By the time I was done with that flight I hurt everywhere. I mean imagine squeezing all your muscles and the same time and holding it... for 4 1/2 hours! then getting on another plane and doing it again for another hour! I hurt everywhere. All I could think about was saying over and over again in my head "God please let this be a safe and smooth flight and please help me stay calm" and every once in a while there was a reminder to myself to breath thrown in because I think I was breaking new records for how long someone can hold their breath. It was not one of my most pleasant experiences and then I did the same thing on the way home... :( Now I'm going to do it again tomorrow except its a direct flight.... but they have said that the airlines are flying slower to save on gas and BELIEVE ME! I notice this! we used to make it from Phoenix to Cleveland direct in under 4 hours now its takes atleast 4 1/2 to get anywhere on the east coast which is no fun for me let me tell you :( So let me just ask that anyone reading this prays that I have a safe and smooth flight tomorrow and that I am able to stay calm maybe even fall asleep? I don't know though it looks like it could be another rough one.
Then as if the 4+ plane ride wasn't enough I will be driving for 10+ hours with my mom, aunt, and uncle down to Florida on Saturday then getting on a boat for 7 days... somthing I've never done before.... I really want this to be a fun trip but I have got to calm myself down before this can happen... I think I'll be doing a lot of relaxation breathing tonight... and tomorrow. We are getting picked up tomorrow by the shuttle at 6am by the way... and morning flights and I don't mix well, mornings are my most nervous times of the day, I seem to be most calm in the evenings after 5.... so waking up early and feeling sick is not a good way to start the day.
But I get to see my cousins, and I love my cousins so I'm trying to just keep thinking about them so that I can remember why I am putting myself through all of this. Not to mention I get to go to haiti, jamaica, grand caymen, and cozumel, I mean those are all great places! So that is what I will focus on.... not how nervous I am...... but man am I nervous.
I am also wondering if anyone is reading this blog? anyone? If you are could you leave me a commont? I honestly not really sure if I'm typing this just to myself or what sometimes, but I guess if I am it's a good place for venting anyway. Always good to have a way to vent. But I should add a little note here.... if anyone does happen to be reading this, since I will be on a boat from the 15th to the 22nd I probably won't be writing anything until then. So anyone I might have had reading I might loose when I don't post entries..... but remember I'm letting you know now I didn't give up I'm just on a boat so I can't write, but I'm sure there will be more when I get back.
So lets find a positive quote something that makes me feel better about all my scary travels.... hmmm
You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear does not exist anywhere except in the mind. Dale Carnegie
If it were that easy!!!!! wish me luck!
Last time I was on a plane I did not move, and I'm not talking just sat in my seat the whole time I'm talking crossed my legs one hand on the arm rest the other on my lap looked out the window and stayed in that exact position except to move my head a few times to answer the flight attendant or my mom. By the time I was done with that flight I hurt everywhere. I mean imagine squeezing all your muscles and the same time and holding it... for 4 1/2 hours! then getting on another plane and doing it again for another hour! I hurt everywhere. All I could think about was saying over and over again in my head "God please let this be a safe and smooth flight and please help me stay calm" and every once in a while there was a reminder to myself to breath thrown in because I think I was breaking new records for how long someone can hold their breath. It was not one of my most pleasant experiences and then I did the same thing on the way home... :( Now I'm going to do it again tomorrow except its a direct flight.... but they have said that the airlines are flying slower to save on gas and BELIEVE ME! I notice this! we used to make it from Phoenix to Cleveland direct in under 4 hours now its takes atleast 4 1/2 to get anywhere on the east coast which is no fun for me let me tell you :( So let me just ask that anyone reading this prays that I have a safe and smooth flight tomorrow and that I am able to stay calm maybe even fall asleep? I don't know though it looks like it could be another rough one.
Then as if the 4+ plane ride wasn't enough I will be driving for 10+ hours with my mom, aunt, and uncle down to Florida on Saturday then getting on a boat for 7 days... somthing I've never done before.... I really want this to be a fun trip but I have got to calm myself down before this can happen... I think I'll be doing a lot of relaxation breathing tonight... and tomorrow. We are getting picked up tomorrow by the shuttle at 6am by the way... and morning flights and I don't mix well, mornings are my most nervous times of the day, I seem to be most calm in the evenings after 5.... so waking up early and feeling sick is not a good way to start the day.
But I get to see my cousins, and I love my cousins so I'm trying to just keep thinking about them so that I can remember why I am putting myself through all of this. Not to mention I get to go to haiti, jamaica, grand caymen, and cozumel, I mean those are all great places! So that is what I will focus on.... not how nervous I am...... but man am I nervous.
I am also wondering if anyone is reading this blog? anyone? If you are could you leave me a commont? I honestly not really sure if I'm typing this just to myself or what sometimes, but I guess if I am it's a good place for venting anyway. Always good to have a way to vent. But I should add a little note here.... if anyone does happen to be reading this, since I will be on a boat from the 15th to the 22nd I probably won't be writing anything until then. So anyone I might have had reading I might loose when I don't post entries..... but remember I'm letting you know now I didn't give up I'm just on a boat so I can't write, but I'm sure there will be more when I get back.
So lets find a positive quote something that makes me feel better about all my scary travels.... hmmm
You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear does not exist anywhere except in the mind. Dale Carnegie
If it were that easy!!!!! wish me luck!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Oh Its Sunday
There's not a lot to do on Sundays in the Summer, atleast not the Sunday before you leave for 2 weeks. I should probably be packing more but I never seem to get around to it. Although mom and I did go through most of my clothes that needed to be packed so I have one suitcase done, another will probably be filled with shoes. I wouldn't need to pack so much if I didn't have to change for dinner every night, or change after that out of my dress. Oh well.
The exciting news is I went to a movie last night. Which I know is normal so why would it be exciting? The exciting part was I didn't have to prepare myself for it as much as usual. I didn't have to know exactly how long it lasted and I didn't need to check the time constantly throughout the movie so that I knew when I would be able to leave, I didn't worry where we sat and whether or not it would bother me. Other than the 1st 10 minutes of the movie I didn't worry about anything, and the first ten minutes I was only worried because they had a preview for a really scary movie which of course got me all worked up, but the rest of the previews and the movie were funny and I have learned that laughing is the one thing that can keep my anxiety away for any period of time. I'm not nervous while I'm watching or listening to somthing funny and I'm not nervous for atleast an hour afterwards. Which is why this cruise doesn't worry me as much as it could because I'm going with a part of my family that always makes me laugh. I'll just try to keep laughing the whole time. Wish me luck! The other good thing was that my mom noticed that I made it through the movie which means she recognized that it was somthing hard for me to do. I know its not much but it meant a lot to me because she hardly ever mentions it, and I don't think its because she doesn't care but it's like I said before, no one really knows anything about it, so other than wanting me to be better immediately no one really comments on it. So I'm sure its not their intention but it really makes me feel like no one cares. So last night was a goodnight.
Oh and! last night I talked to one of my favorite cousins for the first time in I think 3 or 4 years! Anyway its been to long, other than the occasional e-mail we really can't talk because he lives in Sweden and besides the 9 hour time difference thats a really exspensive phone call, but we've always gotten a long really well depsite only seeing each other what is probably the equivilant of every other year since I've been born. So it was exciting to hear from him and I can't wait to see all of them a week from today. Wow, and I just realized a week from today at this time i'll be in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, hopefully I don't get seasick! I've never been on a boat except the ferry from Sandusky to PIB but I'm guessing there will be a lot less rocking on this boat than there is on the jet express.... or that ferry around niagra falls, I'm guessing if those rides didn't make me sick then a huge cruise ship won't. Plus it will be so big I'm hoping I don't even notice it's a boat, I know any other time i would love the fact that its a boat but given the last year its probably better that I don't think about the fact that I'm trapped in the middle of the ocean, or in a foreign country.
I'm going to miss my dogs :( thats always that hardest part about taking a trip, leaving Louie and Ringo behind. Especially when they are going to be alone for so long. I get worried that Louie will think he's back at the animal shelter and Ringo is so nervous about anything I'm worried he'll just make himself sick. Plus this time I just realized I won't be able to call and check on them every day because I'll be on the boat! I wonder if my dad will do it for me.... and I guess I'll have to put my brother as the emergancy contact, and my dad but if they need to be picked up he can't do that. :(
I finshed 6 more scrapbook pages today and I only have 5 more to go, I don't know how many pages I've done so far but I'm thinking it's probably close to 60 and I acomplished my goal of getting all my becah pictures into albums! I'm so glad, this is a project I started before I got sick, and being able to finish it.... just makes me really happy that I'm getting back to who I used to be. Going back to my old hobbies is just part of it. When the anxiety started I stopped reading and I used to read 2 or 3 books a week and was addicted to amazon.com, and I stopped and craft projects I had except crochet... but eventually I stopped that too, and I stopped exercising. Reading again and crafting again just makes me feel a little bit more like me everyday. And I just pray that it continues, which is what makes me realize that I'm not completely better, because if I did there would be no more doubts or worries, but they are still there, but God willing those will be gone soon to. I will just have normal worries like everyone else.
Ok now for a happy quote... lets see.
Accept challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory. -George S. Patton
The exciting news is I went to a movie last night. Which I know is normal so why would it be exciting? The exciting part was I didn't have to prepare myself for it as much as usual. I didn't have to know exactly how long it lasted and I didn't need to check the time constantly throughout the movie so that I knew when I would be able to leave, I didn't worry where we sat and whether or not it would bother me. Other than the 1st 10 minutes of the movie I didn't worry about anything, and the first ten minutes I was only worried because they had a preview for a really scary movie which of course got me all worked up, but the rest of the previews and the movie were funny and I have learned that laughing is the one thing that can keep my anxiety away for any period of time. I'm not nervous while I'm watching or listening to somthing funny and I'm not nervous for atleast an hour afterwards. Which is why this cruise doesn't worry me as much as it could because I'm going with a part of my family that always makes me laugh. I'll just try to keep laughing the whole time. Wish me luck! The other good thing was that my mom noticed that I made it through the movie which means she recognized that it was somthing hard for me to do. I know its not much but it meant a lot to me because she hardly ever mentions it, and I don't think its because she doesn't care but it's like I said before, no one really knows anything about it, so other than wanting me to be better immediately no one really comments on it. So I'm sure its not their intention but it really makes me feel like no one cares. So last night was a goodnight.
Oh and! last night I talked to one of my favorite cousins for the first time in I think 3 or 4 years! Anyway its been to long, other than the occasional e-mail we really can't talk because he lives in Sweden and besides the 9 hour time difference thats a really exspensive phone call, but we've always gotten a long really well depsite only seeing each other what is probably the equivilant of every other year since I've been born. So it was exciting to hear from him and I can't wait to see all of them a week from today. Wow, and I just realized a week from today at this time i'll be in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, hopefully I don't get seasick! I've never been on a boat except the ferry from Sandusky to PIB but I'm guessing there will be a lot less rocking on this boat than there is on the jet express.... or that ferry around niagra falls, I'm guessing if those rides didn't make me sick then a huge cruise ship won't. Plus it will be so big I'm hoping I don't even notice it's a boat, I know any other time i would love the fact that its a boat but given the last year its probably better that I don't think about the fact that I'm trapped in the middle of the ocean, or in a foreign country.
I'm going to miss my dogs :( thats always that hardest part about taking a trip, leaving Louie and Ringo behind. Especially when they are going to be alone for so long. I get worried that Louie will think he's back at the animal shelter and Ringo is so nervous about anything I'm worried he'll just make himself sick. Plus this time I just realized I won't be able to call and check on them every day because I'll be on the boat! I wonder if my dad will do it for me.... and I guess I'll have to put my brother as the emergancy contact, and my dad but if they need to be picked up he can't do that. :(
I finshed 6 more scrapbook pages today and I only have 5 more to go, I don't know how many pages I've done so far but I'm thinking it's probably close to 60 and I acomplished my goal of getting all my becah pictures into albums! I'm so glad, this is a project I started before I got sick, and being able to finish it.... just makes me really happy that I'm getting back to who I used to be. Going back to my old hobbies is just part of it. When the anxiety started I stopped reading and I used to read 2 or 3 books a week and was addicted to amazon.com, and I stopped and craft projects I had except crochet... but eventually I stopped that too, and I stopped exercising. Reading again and crafting again just makes me feel a little bit more like me everyday. And I just pray that it continues, which is what makes me realize that I'm not completely better, because if I did there would be no more doubts or worries, but they are still there, but God willing those will be gone soon to. I will just have normal worries like everyone else.
Ok now for a happy quote... lets see.
Accept challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory. -George S. Patton
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
1 week to go
There's just one week left before I have to get on another airplane. You'd think that I wouldn't be focusing on the flight... I mean when I go somewhere that requires a 5 hour drive I don't think about the drive..... except maybe spending half my vacation money on books, but when I have to fly it's almost like I'm missing a quarter of my vacation. I miss the excitement before the vacation because I can't see past the flight there and I miss fun on the vacation because I'm thinking about the flight home. It pretty much sucks. Its also really puzzling because of all the sources of my anxiety its the one I can predict everytime. My other panic attacks or anxiety attacks I never know if I'm going to get one or not but going on a plane I ALWAYS know I will be scared out of my mind, so you would think with so much time to prepare I would be able to calm down. It just really sucks that no matter what I've done I've never been able to shake the fear of flying.
So I'm leaving for a vacation in 1 week that has the possibility to be one of the most amazing one I've ever been on but I can't even start to think about the trip because my mind always goes back to one thing, the flight. Although its been that way with a lot of things lately.... well since October, I can't really think ahead about things because the one thing I always come back to is the anxiety and whether or not it will be there. I mean thinking back I've come really far since October in that I don't get the anxiety as much or as severe but its still on my mind just as much as it was when it started. I think thats what makes it hard for other people to understand. I mean people keep saying "Just stop it" which in my mind is crazy because what do people think, that the thought has never occured to me that "oh this has been really fun and all but I think I'll just stop now". If it were only that easy! I mean its not always said in the same way sometimes people say "just don't think about it" or "you'll be fine" or "just deal with it" but however it is said its still frustrating. Its not like its somthing I do to myself on purpose. I don't wake up and think how can I make today suck so how can I just wake up and make it stop?
When I think about this it also occures to me that if these people feel comfortable enough with me to try and tell me how to deal with my anxiety then I think they should atleast do a little research. I mean read a book about anxiety or look up some stuff online it would take 5 minutes to find out stuff on serious panic dissorders. So if you're going to give me advice atleast give me intelligent advice. I used to think, wow if I just had a support system I could get through this, but then people started trying to help me and as much as I appreciated someone finally recognizing there was a problem and wanting to talk to me about it, some of the advice was just unhelpful and at that same time hurtful, insulting my intelligence. I mean for example I know everytime my mom hears about one of our relatives being sick, especially my nieces or nephews she's immediatly online searching for any and all information so she can make educated observations, I'd like to think I do the same thing. Whenever I heard something new about my niece, even if it was somthing I already knew a fair amount of information about I would go online and look up more information. I don't understand why more people don't do this, specifically the few people who have tried to help with my anxiety. But like I said I hesitate to complain even a little because there are really SOOO few people who want to talk about it let alone help.
So like I said, one week to go until the flight, one week of not being able to sleep and feeling anxious one week of driving people insane with my constant "I have to go on a plane" "I don't like planes" "I'm nervous" and one more week of trying to act as good as possible to make sure I don't offend God in anyway because I'm worried he'll take it out on me when I'm on the plane. Maybe its time to take flying lessons, or get hynotized or something because I've been afraid of planes for almost 10 years and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.
Sooo another downer post, so here's somthing positive to end it on:
"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
- Walter Bagehot
So I'm leaving for a vacation in 1 week that has the possibility to be one of the most amazing one I've ever been on but I can't even start to think about the trip because my mind always goes back to one thing, the flight. Although its been that way with a lot of things lately.... well since October, I can't really think ahead about things because the one thing I always come back to is the anxiety and whether or not it will be there. I mean thinking back I've come really far since October in that I don't get the anxiety as much or as severe but its still on my mind just as much as it was when it started. I think thats what makes it hard for other people to understand. I mean people keep saying "Just stop it" which in my mind is crazy because what do people think, that the thought has never occured to me that "oh this has been really fun and all but I think I'll just stop now". If it were only that easy! I mean its not always said in the same way sometimes people say "just don't think about it" or "you'll be fine" or "just deal with it" but however it is said its still frustrating. Its not like its somthing I do to myself on purpose. I don't wake up and think how can I make today suck so how can I just wake up and make it stop?
When I think about this it also occures to me that if these people feel comfortable enough with me to try and tell me how to deal with my anxiety then I think they should atleast do a little research. I mean read a book about anxiety or look up some stuff online it would take 5 minutes to find out stuff on serious panic dissorders. So if you're going to give me advice atleast give me intelligent advice. I used to think, wow if I just had a support system I could get through this, but then people started trying to help me and as much as I appreciated someone finally recognizing there was a problem and wanting to talk to me about it, some of the advice was just unhelpful and at that same time hurtful, insulting my intelligence. I mean for example I know everytime my mom hears about one of our relatives being sick, especially my nieces or nephews she's immediatly online searching for any and all information so she can make educated observations, I'd like to think I do the same thing. Whenever I heard something new about my niece, even if it was somthing I already knew a fair amount of information about I would go online and look up more information. I don't understand why more people don't do this, specifically the few people who have tried to help with my anxiety. But like I said I hesitate to complain even a little because there are really SOOO few people who want to talk about it let alone help.
So like I said, one week to go until the flight, one week of not being able to sleep and feeling anxious one week of driving people insane with my constant "I have to go on a plane" "I don't like planes" "I'm nervous" and one more week of trying to act as good as possible to make sure I don't offend God in anyway because I'm worried he'll take it out on me when I'm on the plane. Maybe its time to take flying lessons, or get hynotized or something because I've been afraid of planes for almost 10 years and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.
Sooo another downer post, so here's somthing positive to end it on:
"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
- Walter Bagehot
Sunday, June 1, 2008
I don't like the news
I've decided that I don't like the news anymore. I used to be able to just ignore the bad stuff or say a little prayer when they would talk about wars, and murders and things like that, but now its gotten crazy. What is up with the guy who videotaped the alien, thats not news thats just creepy. Or about how the world is going to end in 2012 because thats when the Myan calander ends..... didn't we just go through that in 2000? What is the point of just scaring people I remember being terrified from ages 7-11 because I heard someone say that the world was going to end in 2002 standing in line for lunch. I mean no one wants to hear any of that stuff, and the people that do fine but I'm sure I'm not alone in not wanting to hear it. I consider anything I see on the news actual news. Reports that have been fact checked or at the very least is news that I wouldn't see in the national enquirerer (how do you spell that?) anyway when I see nat. enq. news on the actual news it makes me think hmm maybe this news has some merrit to it, maybe I should pay attention, but really its just them looking for viewers buy putting too much emphasis on weird stories. Anyway I just had to get that out because its been bothering me. Probably because I was a weird child who was afraid of 6 things, only one of which was normal for a kid..... 1. The Dark (normal right, just wait) 2. Balloons... I mean seriously those things scare people when they pop! 3. The end of the world..... what child should be thinking about the end of the world that much? 4. Aliens.... and not so much that they might be out there but that they are out there looking in my windows planning on kidnapping me 5. Rollercoasters which I could go into detail on but its just not worth it. and 6. Elevators fortunatly this fear has been changed into a fear of airplanes, I'm not sure why I became afraid of airplanes around the time I stopped being afraid of elevators but I'd much rather be afraid of eleveators, they are a lot less necessary in my life than airplanes.
Another thing that has been bothering me lately is the story that there is a fungus killing all the banana tree's. Thats right aparently there is no cure and banana's will be extinct some time in the next 5-30 years. Seriously that is the time table they give you 5 to 30 years. That is not helpful at all, and really with all we can do we can't make like a safe house on farms so they can grow banana's for us? I'm sure banana's will then cost about $1000 a piece when that happens but its better than loosing banana's completely. I personally eat one every night and am not looking forward to a day when there are no banana's.
I guess considering all I wrote before banana's are not really a big deal but I think they are. So like I said before my posts can be downers so I'm going to put a positive quote at the end.... lets see if I can find one about banana's....
Today's positive quote:
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'” Mitch Hedburg
How about that... I found one!
Another thing that has been bothering me lately is the story that there is a fungus killing all the banana tree's. Thats right aparently there is no cure and banana's will be extinct some time in the next 5-30 years. Seriously that is the time table they give you 5 to 30 years. That is not helpful at all, and really with all we can do we can't make like a safe house on farms so they can grow banana's for us? I'm sure banana's will then cost about $1000 a piece when that happens but its better than loosing banana's completely. I personally eat one every night and am not looking forward to a day when there are no banana's.
I guess considering all I wrote before banana's are not really a big deal but I think they are. So like I said before my posts can be downers so I'm going to put a positive quote at the end.... lets see if I can find one about banana's....
Today's positive quote:
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'” Mitch Hedburg
How about that... I found one!
Friday, May 30, 2008
days filled with doctors
I've had 3 doctors appointments in the last 3 days, but unlike some people I feel better after my doctors appointments. I mean yeah I have to go to get more bloodwork done, and another scan, but this should be the last time and whether they find anything or not I'm ok with that, because I finally feel like they have checked everything. Maybe 3 months from now it will be like these last 8 months never happened at all. Atleast I pray it will be like that. Not that I want to ignore the hell I went through because you learn a lot from times like that, but I still want to get back to where I was.
Anyway we got our packets for the cruise today and it finally hit me how close it is and for the first time I started to feel a little nervous. I mean I have no money, what if I need a phone card to call someone, what if I need to get on the ship in 5 minutes and I don't have money for a taxi, and what if I find the most amazing bracelet ever and I can't buy it? Ok so that last one is not so important but you know when I was working I always kept $20 with me just in case and lately I haven't had that but I haven't gone anywhere either. It just gets me a little anxious to be in another country for the first time ever, one of them a 3rd world country and have nothing. I think it would make anyone a little nervous, but lucky for me I'm not to concerned about it because I will be with 24 relatives and as crazy as we all are, I don't think anyone is going to let the ship leave me stranded or not loan me $10 if I have to make an emergancy call home.
Its going to be a crazy two weeks getting everything put together for this trip and I am sure I will think of every problem imaginable but lucky for me I'm smart enough that I can also usually think of a solution to these problems.
I also applied for 4 jobs today. Fingers crossed that I'll hear from atleast one of them, and that they won't need me until after I'm back from the cruise. I actually had to write cover letters for some of these jobs, so I got to put that 4.0 I got in all my English classes to good use. Who knows if I hear from a job that had a cover letter requirement I may just have to realize that I shouldn't even take that job and find something where I can use that 4.0 (and it was out of 6 English classes) Anyway, it's late and I thought I was actually going to write tonight but all that has come out is random ramblings that are running through my head at the end of the day. Tomorrow is the weekend though and if tradition holds true I will be bored for about 60% of it so tomorrow I'll have to actually sit down and write somthing interesting and relavant. Until then I'll go speand some time reading someone else's relavant work until I follow asleep and maybe get inspired.
Today Quote:
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” Winstone Churchill
Anyway we got our packets for the cruise today and it finally hit me how close it is and for the first time I started to feel a little nervous. I mean I have no money, what if I need a phone card to call someone, what if I need to get on the ship in 5 minutes and I don't have money for a taxi, and what if I find the most amazing bracelet ever and I can't buy it? Ok so that last one is not so important but you know when I was working I always kept $20 with me just in case and lately I haven't had that but I haven't gone anywhere either. It just gets me a little anxious to be in another country for the first time ever, one of them a 3rd world country and have nothing. I think it would make anyone a little nervous, but lucky for me I'm not to concerned about it because I will be with 24 relatives and as crazy as we all are, I don't think anyone is going to let the ship leave me stranded or not loan me $10 if I have to make an emergancy call home.
Its going to be a crazy two weeks getting everything put together for this trip and I am sure I will think of every problem imaginable but lucky for me I'm smart enough that I can also usually think of a solution to these problems.
I also applied for 4 jobs today. Fingers crossed that I'll hear from atleast one of them, and that they won't need me until after I'm back from the cruise. I actually had to write cover letters for some of these jobs, so I got to put that 4.0 I got in all my English classes to good use. Who knows if I hear from a job that had a cover letter requirement I may just have to realize that I shouldn't even take that job and find something where I can use that 4.0 (and it was out of 6 English classes) Anyway, it's late and I thought I was actually going to write tonight but all that has come out is random ramblings that are running through my head at the end of the day. Tomorrow is the weekend though and if tradition holds true I will be bored for about 60% of it so tomorrow I'll have to actually sit down and write somthing interesting and relavant. Until then I'll go speand some time reading someone else's relavant work until I follow asleep and maybe get inspired.
Today Quote:
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” Winstone Churchill
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
LOONNGGG DAYS
It's been a long couple days :( I know you're probably thinking "how in the world can she have a bad day when she doesn't work!" but I def never wanted to sit around all day at this point in my life. Its very hard though for people to understand that, I think, and I'm not sure anyone really could understand. It especially gets hard because the better I start to feel the more people expect that I'll just go back to the way I was. For now though I'm still at home during the day expect for doctors appointments and I still have no job. But I sometimes find ways to entertain myself with no money anyway. I've made like 5 blankets and 3 scrapbooks but mostly watched a lot of TV, and I'm really starting to hate TV. I've also found ways to give gifts with no money.... some are good and some are not so good, theres only so much you can find around the house and make into something people will love.
So anyway I've had a rough couple of days but other than this blog I'll keep that to myself . Right now I am just looking forward to the cruise that I have coming up. I have to take two 4 hour flights and two 10 hour drives but I get to see some of my favorite people in the world. I haven't seen some of them in 3 years so I am beyond excited and I refuse to let my anxiety get in the way of it or anything else ( including a couple very specific anything else's). I may collapse from exhaustion once I get home from fighting it off but I intend to enjoy every minute of it.... :) If only it were that easy, but until I feel otherwise I'm going to believe that it is that easy.
First though I have my moms birthday tomorrow and fathers day before I even leave for the cruise, so I need to spend some time thinking up more of those gifts that cost no money and I'm quickly running out of idea's but I'll get somthing, I always do.
So as I'm finishing this post and re-reading it (yes I did re-read it so if there are still errors you'll just have to live with them) and I realize that a lot of times I'll probably have some not very positive things to say... soo.... I think I'll end all the posts with something positive just to keep them all connected on a positive note :)
Todays Positive thought:
It's easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline when you're a winner, when you're number one. What you've got to have is faith and discipline when you're not yet a winner. Vince Lombardi -
So anyway I've had a rough couple of days but other than this blog I'll keep that to myself . Right now I am just looking forward to the cruise that I have coming up. I have to take two 4 hour flights and two 10 hour drives but I get to see some of my favorite people in the world. I haven't seen some of them in 3 years so I am beyond excited and I refuse to let my anxiety get in the way of it or anything else ( including a couple very specific anything else's). I may collapse from exhaustion once I get home from fighting it off but I intend to enjoy every minute of it.... :) If only it were that easy, but until I feel otherwise I'm going to believe that it is that easy.
First though I have my moms birthday tomorrow and fathers day before I even leave for the cruise, so I need to spend some time thinking up more of those gifts that cost no money and I'm quickly running out of idea's but I'll get somthing, I always do.
So as I'm finishing this post and re-reading it (yes I did re-read it so if there are still errors you'll just have to live with them) and I realize that a lot of times I'll probably have some not very positive things to say... soo.... I think I'll end all the posts with something positive just to keep them all connected on a positive note :)
Todays Positive thought:
It's easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline when you're a winner, when you're number one. What you've got to have is faith and discipline when you're not yet a winner. Vince Lombardi -
Sunday, May 25, 2008
why not?
Although I don't have anything interesting going on right now, I have a very exciting summer planned, starting with a cruise with many of my cousins. So why not keep people updated with whats going on with me. Hopefully I will keep this up and hopefully I will keep it interesting :)
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